i felt my opinion is....right....for a second

the other day at work some co-workers were talking about seinfeld.
i never watched the show when it was actually on. infact, in english 10 our teacher (miss watt, who was my teacher for eng. 10 and eng. 30, and is my 2nd favorite teacher ever because she had dry humor and actually helped to make you better) made an allusion between some story and the TV show sienfeld. she said it was a series of stories that seemed at first not to relate, at the end, came together. she asked if anyone knew about siendfeld, which at the time was popular, and no one in the class raised their hands. we really didn't watch it.
but now i do.
when it was big the show was dubbed 'the show about nothing'. but since i have watched the show i have decided it is NOT a show about nothing. i believe it is a show about 4 losers in new york. 4 friends who have oddly bad luck and make us laugh at their hilarious, criss-crossing, averagely common, lives.
so at work, i heard some guy say, "it really is the show about nothing."
i chimed in and asked, and was told sure enough it was seinfeld they were discussing.
i decided then to voice my opinion. "it is about something,"i said. "it is about 4 loser friends who live in new york city."
the guy paused for a sec and said, "yes but they don't work together, dont live in nearby buildings. it isn't typical."
i retorted, "no, it is not typical. but it is by no means about nothing. it is about 4 people and whatever that may incompass."
and they had to agree.
and that is why i think my opinion matters.

ful cur-kul

it is a very strange day when your parent confesses that one of her parts officially doesn't work like it should. for the rest of her days this particular body part shall forever choose not to work like it should. a part of her is finished. and i. i sit not even 30. half the years she has had. and i am blown away as to what might still happen.

there is always a plan. we just only

ever

get to see it in hindsite.

Hey Mr. Big Stuff

Last night I wore sweat pants to the bar. Needless to say I was the only one. That coupled with my Prada fanny pack made for an interesting outfit. But somehow I think it worked as I was being checked out all night.
Should I admit I thought about stuffing?
Ok, I won't.

Hello, Dolly

'Travelin' Thru' by Dolly Parton is a fucking beautiful song. It's country. But that's Ok. The words, really, are the best. Her voice sounds like she is saying a prayer. A prayer to music.
Get it.

old year

i am almost 2 full months into the new year and there is nothing new about it. save for the fact i feel i am falling futher into the abyss i can't clearly see and therefore cannot get out of.
translation...
i bought an 8 pack of canadian cold shots at 7pm tonight. i even brought a safeway bag with me so i could carry the beer inside that when i arrived home lest my mother have any questions.
that is surely not a good thing.

bay-bee

last night my sister brought forth her er, fourth child. she is not anything like my other sister i talked about in a previous post. this one has a husband, now 4 kids, a house a degree. she's set.
usually having a baby is an event to be celebrated but in my case i just can't bring myself to visiting her and congratulating her. last time we talked was through e-mail and her and her husband made their thoughts on me quite clear. they still think i am a porn-addicted, christian hating, unreliable threat to their children. what caused this you may ask? i looked up porn on their computer 10 years ago (yes, 10 years) and it has never been forgotten. never mind the fact that i pretty much single handidly took care of our mother while she battled cancer at the same time as working and going to school. nope. that's does mean shit. i could go on about their reasons but suffice it to say 4 things in the matter of 10 years have deemed me a negative influence on people. their loss i have finally decided.
but with an attitude like that the christmas holidays become a difficult time. not everyone is happy this time of year, trust me.
i like to think i could be the bigger person and just see their new child and smile and say the right words. but why does the person who was hurt always have to be the bigger person? have to let things slide?
the older i get the more i realize that i know just as much as the baby born yesterday about life.

this thinking feeling

last night i was a "good boy" and went to bed right after watching ER. i rarely watch the show but it looked like a gooder. and it was. after reading people magazine i turned out my light and lay there eager for sleep to take me over.
but it didn't. for 1.5 hours i lay there yawning, twisting and turning. my mind just would not stop. i hate it when that happens. you just want yourself to shut up. and sometimes, when it is really bad, you have to argue and reason with yourself. "ok self' you think/say, 'i really have to go to sleep now, so stop thinking.' then you yawn and think about the world and why everyone likes to make things hard for you. 'stop it' you say/think. then you turn over, perhaps yawn, and think about how you want to sleep and how good it will be once you finally do. 'mind go blank' you think/say. and so forth.
when i finally did manage to go unconcious my dream did not leave me feeling rested when my alarm woke me at 7:16 am. i dreamt that my mother (whom i live with) told me i had one hour to pack up my stuff because we were moving. no explanation given. she then handed me some boxes and told me to get started. i told her there was no way i could fit all my things in these few boxes. she just told me to grab my essentials because a bulldozer was coming to tear the house down and we would claim whatever was left in the house through insurance and get "lots of money". i'm not sure what this all means but i'm pretty sure insurance wouldn't give us money to replace the things we bulldozed over ourselves.
i'll ask my mom what she has planned for today, just in case.

wasted

i find this horrible to think, much less say, but my sister is angering more and more on a daily basis. she has, essentially, wasted her life. she is 33 years old and has nothing to show for it. NOTHING. she has had several, several boyfriends over her lifetime. she gave a child up for adoption when she was 18. she kept the next child (who now lives with her drug addicted father because the courts decided he was a better caregiver than my sister.) and she has had many other pregnancy scares and miscarriges. the longest she has kept a job is about a month. she quit that one because she could get the weekend off to go away with her boyfriend so she stopped showing up. he dumped her shortly after.
most recently she got a job at a hotel downtown which she was very excited about. she was to be a dishwasher (the only job at 33 years old she can get) and it even had health benefits and guaranteed raises. in other words it was a good job, for her. she didn't show up for her first day because she was hanging out with her boyfriend. she was in love with him 2 weeks after meeting him. i heard her telling him on the phone on morning at 2 am while she was drunk. she loved him. she couldn't stand being away from him. that was just over a month ago.
they aren't together anymmore.
the part that pisses me off the most, that i just thought about, is that my sister is adopted. her natural birth parents gave her up in the hope that she would have a better life than they could ever give her. they gave her a chance. and now 33 years later she has essnetially taken that chance, shit on it, and flushed it down the toilet. her life, for all intents and purposes, is almost half over. she is half way to retirement!
i pity her most of all. she meets these guys and takes their attention. she needs their attention. she needs them to fill her up inside because somewhere along the way she lost the ability to do that for herself. so she is at their whim. they date her. they play house for a few months. the guy gets tired of taking care of her so they dump her. and she, because she has no feet to stand on, falls. every single time. until the next guy comes along and takes care of her for a while.
i wonder what she thinks. i wonder where she thinks she will be when she is 50 years old. i wonder why she is allowed to do whatever she wants and i have to work 6 days a week for minimum wage. what makes her so special that she gets to say 'fuck you everyone i'm going to stay with my friends for 3 weeks. i don't need to get a job!'
so she drifts. everywhere. she stays with my mom. she stays with a friend. she stays with her boyfriend that she is always in love with. she passes herself around in the hope that sometime she may get it right.