careless or care less

it's 3 a.m. and i have been tossing and turning for the past hour. i am having trouble closing my eyes and allowing myself to sleep. a lot on the mind i suppose.
last night dale and i had our first official fight in 6 years. after as many years of him being late for almost every single thing we have planned to do together it all blew up. he told me that just because he is late doesn't give me the right to insult him. he is right, i know. and i also know that him being late has little to do with what is going on externally around him. it is all in his head. he asked for a little compassion and i refused to give it.
i often wonder how i care so little. i can name 5 people that i was once 'best friends' with and in the span of a week got rid of. what is it inside of me that enables me to cut the strings so easily and readily? i think back to my childhood and can't find any reasons, save for that maybe it is a defense mechanism. get rid of you, before you get rid of me. it makes some sort of sense but i know that isn't what it is. i don't drop friends because i fear them dumping me first. i get rid of them because i find a fault, a flaw, that i find inexcusable. no more reason given than that and in my head i really don't feel like i need one. and i don't even regret it.
it's not pleasant to think you don't understand yourself. and you don't even care.